have hardly left my bed since thursday night.

it’s happening again.

no energy to do much or think about things.

man i suck at life so bad.

ohitscamille:

My friend Jerim aka Mr DNA

Well this was just a five minute edit because he reminded me that i took these and i thought hey i might have a look and play around.

He’s quite fun to photograph, so much energy it’s crazy!  

It’s funny how you can not talk to people for years, and then suddenly a person from high school knows exactly what you’re going through.

A guy, Simon from my first high school just linked me to this and it is so appropriate. It’s not exactly what i’m going through but it’s pretty similar..

“Alright, here goes. I’m old. What that means is that I’ve survived (so far) and a lot of people I’ve known and loved did not. I’ve lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can’t imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here’s my two cents.

I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don’t want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don’t want it to “not matter”. I don’t want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gorged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can’t see.

As for grief, you’ll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you’re drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it’s some physical thing. Maybe it’s a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it’s a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.

In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don’t even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you’ll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what’s going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything…and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.

Somewhere down the line, and it’s different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O’Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you’ll come out.

Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don’t really want them to. But you learn that you’ll survive them. And other waves will come. And you’ll survive them too. If you’re lucky, you’ll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.”

it has been 1 month and 4 days since you died.

not fair.

i hope wherever you are, you are happy and healthy and having a great day.

:(
i sound psycho talking to my dad like this but i don’t even know if he knows i’m talking to him. 

ohitscamille:

Jean-Rene the Goal Keeper :)

 Photographed this for my Contextual Assignment. (This one wasn’t used as he has to be looking into the camera..lame because i like it better)

Woah I am really happy with how this came out :) 

Whenever Todd links my name in his instagram photos, i always get the most ridiculous followers it’s so funny.

I had a little lurk of some of the people,
one guy keeps posting photos of himself in his bunny onesie.

and some others just have some interesting things they write in their info bit.

Hm

Okay i have a massive headache and i need to think of something amazing to shoot for my 
Alternate Reality and Scale assignments, both due quite a few weeks ago (Scale was due like 2 months ago)

But my focus has been on my Rob G, Rob L and Eddies classes mainly.

i’m guessing this is sort of early into the night but i still don’t remember it :(

Marnie’s 21st. (marnie is on the right :)
Blergh, i was feeling real anxious just before the party, so when i got there i stupidly drank like 4 glasses of wine in maybe 30-45 minutes then beer etc. And i didn’t eat dinner.
So that cup is water and i blacked out completely around 9ish after throwing up so many times. 
Worst camille.  

ohitscamille:

Todd Williams # 4

ohitscamille:

Todd Williams # 3

ohitscamille:

Todd Williams # 1

Reblogging myself again lol. Took these a few weeks ago, never had a chance to upload them. 

in my course has spoken about how they are going to pull an all nighter tonight to finish this book.

it feels like exam time in high school again. stressed so i keep eating random foods which also helps with procrastination. haha worst!

i thought my book wouldn’t go past 20 pages

it’s currently at 39..

still have to put like 15 pages worth of text/recipes in.

man i’m procrastinating again.

i think i’m going to go get a drink..

haha

ps. hating on photoshop and indesign right now. it’s making my computer go so slow. sooo many links and files and blahslfkjsdfdf

went around my area for about an hour and took some photos of some pretty landscapes.

i never really use hdr on my images, so i thought i would give it a try.

i’m pretty horrible at photoshop so let’s hope this turns out okay.

waiting for the images to merge together then i shall start editing :) 

then i am going to do a shoot of myself for my book (i don’t know how this is going to work..haha most likely a fail but whatever)
and finally put this book together. i’ve been procrastinating but i guess i’ve been super sad about my dad. hopefully i can do all this. 

xoxo

the sadness stops.

I miss my dad. So much.
It’s started hitting me so much more now.

The amount of times i have to stop myself from crying.

I just want him to be alive.

I hate cancer. I hate losing a parent so young. I hated watching him suffer.
It was all too much to handle. I don’t even know if i’m strong enough to get through this.
It’s so difficult.  

(Source: kateholics)